July 31, 2007

I was listening to The Story on my local NPR station today when they aired a story about bullying. It was actually a follow-up story to one that focused on a 12 year old who was subject to daily bullying by his schoolmates. It didn't seem to be the type of bullying where the big kid beats up the little kid for his lunch money, but more of the typical type of bullying - a kid being picked on relentlessly by numerous students because they are different. The original and the follow-up stories really hit home with me. I was picked on for quite sometime during my childhood. It isn't easy growing up as "Fat Matt." How convenient, my name even rhymes. I wasn't morbidly obese, but definitely overweight. I remained physically active, played ball with kids on the block - kickball, touch football, street hockey, running bases. But when it came to being included at school, I remained an outcast. Even to this day I have a hard time forgiving the people that hurt my feelings repeatedly so long ago. But while listening to the program I started thinking about what impact that had on me and who I am. Don't get me wrong, I would never have wanted to go through all that, but as I was growing up and even to this day, it became an important aspect of who I am. For example, when I was in Cub Scouts, there was another kid my age who was picked on even worse than I was. During an event, he chose to sit and hide in a teepee instead of interact with the other members of our troop. I chose to sit with him for a little while in that teepee and just talk and hang out. I asked myself, if I had never been picked on myself, would I have been that compassionate or would I have ridiculed him as well? School is supposed to be a safe place. We figure that as long as nobody has "beat up" our kids then school is safe. But abuse can cut even deeper when it is psychological abuse. When kids hear repeatedly from their peers, the people they look to most for acceptance, that they are not good enough, they begin to internalize it. It becomes part of their persona - "maybe I'm not cool," "maybe I am ugly," etc. This is baggage that a person can carry their entire life and never recognize it. I was fortunate to find a small group of friends growing up who didn't care if I was "fat Matt" or cool, or ugly, or whatever. And to this day they are still my friends. A few of them have moved and live right up the road from me, while other, though distant, will still visit from time to time. Sure, I can see where I may have developed some insecurities from my treatment growing up, but I continue to reflect on it to help make me a better person. Our past is part of who we are, we can not deny that, so we must accept it and build on it. But now, as adults, we get to build it the way we want it. We have more power to control than we did when we were kids. The Dalai Lama says that we should not only love those who are close and friendly to us, but we should also love our enemies because it is they who put challenges before us that help us to grow stronger.